MzAgams

I’ve written about adultery as grounds for divorce here, here and here. This post isn’t so much about the legal aspects of adultery but the personal, psychological and emotional aspects especially in Nigeria.

Marriage is taken every seriously in Nigeria. As a matter of fact it is considered one of the important rites of passage. Traditionally remaining unmarried was not an option, not for men or women. Anyone that remains unmarried beyond a certain age is seen as irresponsible. Marriage and children are considered natural outcomes of life and living. Divorce is still frowned on and stigmatised.

Adultery is sexual intercourse with a married person, male or female. Part of the rationale for marriage is sexual exclusivity. At least that is the case with modern aka western based statutory marriages. In all of the ethnic and tribal groups that today comprise Nigeria, sexual exclusivity was a male privilege. Men could marry as many women as they wanted and have sex with as many women as would let them. Women on the other hand were expected to stay sexually faithful to one man at a time, and if they did have sex with more than one person they were not supposed to admit it, ever.

So technically, under most customary laws in Nigeria, including Sharia, there is no such thing as Adultery for men, a purely western imposition. Only women could be accused of and punished for adultery. Christianity was the first religion that introduced the concept of one man and one wife to Nigeria. And even though Christian men pay lip service to the doctrine few actually keep the spirit of the law. Mistresses, second wives and concubines are common. Adultery by a man is considered a lesser sin or crime than adultery by a woman. ‘Man is polygamous by nature’ is a common figure of speech.

But what does adultery between a man and wife mean? When I was married to a Nigerian he behaved in the typical manner and had affairs with every female that he could. He didn’t even have a specification. He didn’t discriminate between dark or fair, tall or short, fat or thin. So long as it was female it was game. When I decided I had had enough and chose to divorce him even my mother in-law admonished me. She gave me the typical example older women give younger women considering divorce because of adultery.

“So you will leave him for those other women to move in and take over?”

She did not understand when I tried to tell her that my husbands adultery has made him repulsive to me. Whenever he touched me I cringed because all I could think about was all the other women he had touched. I did not like having a public penis for a husband. This is what is called intolerability, a key element of adultery as grounds for divorce in Nigeria. And even though every body tried to assure me that his adultery did not mean he did not love me, I was and remain convinced that it does. When there is true love between a couple there can be no adultery. I do not mean infatuation. I mean real love.

I have heard of couples that condone adultery. One couple I met in particular claimed that they discussed the husbands infidelity before they got married and his wife accepted that it would be a feature of their marriage. He claims she knows all his girlfriends or side chicks, that he even brings them to their matrimonial home and that his wife even calls them to do errands like wash his clothes. My mother in-law also claimed that her husband, who I never met as he died long before I married his only son, used to bring his side chicks home too. Much as I tried I cannot accept infidelity from my man. The thought that my husband was out with some woman was bad enough. To have him in the next room with another woman is beyond me. I will refrain from making cliche judgements about the women that tolerate such behaviour. To each his own. I need exclusivity.

Most Nigerian men cheat out of a sense of entitlement. They don’t cheat because their wife is not submissive or because she let her self go. Some of the most beautiful women in Nigeria had to put up with their husbands infidelity. Some of the most submissive wives had to put up with a cheating husband. So for those of you thinking that how you behave or how you look or even how you take care of the home will prevent your husband cheating, think again. He will most probably cheat regardless, especially if he is of a certain age. I am glad to see that a lot of millennial Nigerian men cheat less, or so they would make it seem. It remains to be proven.

Women also cheat, don’t get me wrong. However, their reasons for cheating are usually more complex. First of all the price of cheating for a woman in Nigeria is definitely higher than for a man. When a woman is caught cheating it is almost invariable that her husband will divorce her or, to use that quaint Biblical phrase, ‘put her aside.’ Let me talk a little about this ‘putting aside.’ Traditionally in Igbo Nigeria a woman whose bride price has been paid owes all the fruit of her womb to her husband, the man that paid the bride price. In days gone by, if she cheated and someone other than her husband got her pregnant, the child would nevertheless still be the child of her husband. Now remember this was in the days of old when people were goods and literally bought and sold in the market. This was also in the days when most men were polygamous and had more than one wife. A cheating woman could remain in her husbands homestead but her husband might no longer have sex with her. Her stay was based on the rights of her children to remain in their fathers home.

Women have been known to cheat to get pregnant if they had stayed with their husband for a length of time without child. In Igbo Nigeria having a child was a right and a man could not deny his wife the right of a child. It was grounds for divorce if he did not allow her to go outside, so to speak, to get ‘fruit of the womb’ which belonged to him anyway. Women have also been known to cheat for material benefit or gain. Just like a bride price was paid for the woman it was considered normal for a woman to demand something in return for sex. A woman that had sex ‘for free’ was seen as a foolish woman. I have a theory that this is one of the reasons why transactional sex is so common nowadays. Sex was always seen as transactional. The payment of bride price secured the right of a man to have exclusive access to a woman sexually and to the fruit of her womb. Women might also cheat to disdain their husband. Granted some women may just have a high sex drive and need more sex than their husband can provide. Some women cheat not because they need more sex but because they need emotional intimacy and their husband is unable provide it.

I once met a man that boasted of only having sex with his wife when he wanted to get her pregnant. He saw absolutely nothing wrong with that. When his wife cheated with a younger and less successful man than himself he was outraged. He claimed that he had given her everything that money could buy. He obviously did not consider her needs for emotional intimacy valid. And yes, he divorced her and took custody of the five children that they had in the space of 6 years.

Before someone raises hand to point out that some men cheat because their wives are abusive, or terrible or ugly, yes, that does happen but my advice for every couple is the same. If your relationship is so bad that you feel justified to cheat then maybe you should consider getting out of the relationship instead and looking for one that will fulfil you.

Adultery has a lot of bad effects on a marriage. It leads to anxiety, depression, paranoia and can even lead to homicide or grievous bodily harm. The Biblical commandment against adultery wasn’t so much about the sacredness of marriage as it was a recognition that the jealously aroused by infidelity could lead to violence and death. The Bible if you read it carefully is a public health manual. There I said it. Sue me. Religion is about public control. And power. At least know the truth before you become a fundamentalist.

When you care for someone and are committed to a life long relationship with that person you should also care about that persons happiness and emotional well being, cheating and infidelity show a disregard for your partners feelings and that is enough to get out of a relationship.

I always like to say that its only cheating if the other person doesn’t know about it. I’ve been around long enough to know that people do kinky weird shit. If you and your spouse are okay with an open relationship then go for it by all means. Personally I would only find cheating a burden if only one person is allowed to do, but if both of us are allowed to cheat, then it probably wouldn’t feel like cheating. That said, it would also not feel like an intimate committed relationship but hey, that’s just me.

Whatever you do, think it through. Be an informed cheater, know that there could be consequences and that those consequences could be fatal. Best of all, go find a relationship that lets you be exactly who you are, and if that includes multiple sex partners at the same time, still be yourself.

If you have questions you can book a private and confidential consultation with me here.