MzAgams

I’m sure you want you want to be dignified and resilient in the face of a difficult divorce from a difficult ex. Maybe you’re trying real hard to be but there are those moments when your emotions hijack you and leave you spitting like a hell cat. Kim right now is a good role model for how to behave in the process of a difficult divorce. And we all know how difficult her divorce has been.

There is so much we will never know about the high profile marriage and divorce of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. And that’s exactly how it should be. Don’t go trash talking your ex, it never looks good. If you don’t have anything nice to say then take the age old advice and just don’t say anything. The only person you should talk to about your ex is your lawyer, and your therapist if you have one. Family? Bad idea, they will never be neutral, they may be on your side and they may not but they will never be neutral. Media? Even a worse idea. All the media want is to sell drama and conflict, that is not the sort of complication you need during a difficult divorce or even an amicable one. Some people out there that have made a thriving career on social media trashing their ex and marriage after a divorce. The first advice I give my clients is no media and no media drama. It’s hard enough without the circus.

As an adults you can decide that you are no longer happy or fulfilled in your marriage and prepare for the consequences of your decision, sometimes months and even years before actually filing for a divorce. For your children on the other hand that is not usually the case, they have no say in the matter and shouldn’t be made to suffer the consequences of your decision unreasonably.

“From the beginning I have wanted nothing but a healthy relationship because it is what is best for our children.”

Kim Kardashian

Maintaining a healthy relationship with an ex can be hard. Not all divorces are mutual, as a matter of fact most aren’t. One partner wants out and the other doesn’t and this can invariably create a lot of conflict drama. It’s obvious that Kanye didn’t want to let go. He did not see whatever problems Kim saw in their relationship which meant he was also unwilling or unable to fix them. This is often the case. Maybe you’re the one that wants a divorce and maybe you’re the one that doesn’t want a divorce. Don’t behave like Kanye. His behaviour for awhile made a lot of people uncomfortable, none more so than Kim. Despite that she maintained her poise, refused to rise to his challenging triggers and held it together. She probably spent a lot of time with her therapist. Get yourself a therapist or a divorce coach.

No rejection that feels worse than the rejection of a divorce but when one party no longer wants to be in the marriage the other party insisting on staying regardless usually only leads to increased tension and conflict. In Nigeria it’s common especially for women to resist divorce with all their might, sometimes till they are literally violently removed from the matrimonial home even when they know their marriage isn’t happy or fulfilling or peaceful. We’re taught to defend our marriage like a lioness defending its huntings grounds. But it’s not territory, it’s a relationship between two human beings, let it go with as much dignity as you can muster. Don’t be one of those women that not only deny it’s ever going to happen to them but are completely unprepared when it does happen. One of my clients came to me when here husband started threatening her with divorce, when he eventually filed and served her we were ready.

Every marriage is different and those of us on the outside cannot know exactly what takes place behind closed doors.You’re the only one that knows and the only person you should tell about it is your lawyer (or therapist.) As a divorce lawyer my priority is always to encourage the best outcome for the kids. Divorce is stressful enough for them. Don’t stress them further with continued and public fighting and conflict. Even when you were in the same house together fights between parents can have an appalling impact on the children, it’s really no different just because ou now live apart.

Kardashian filed to divorce West in February of 2021 after more than six years of marriage. She started dating comedian Pete Davidson in late 2021. Apparently there is a 6 month rule before introducing your kids to a new partner that Kim followed that. Personally, I do not agree with that one. My advise based on years of experience is to give yourself at least a year to get over your ex and not to introduce your kids to your new partner till you are sure the relationship will last long term, maybe even till you get engaged. Divorce is a significant loss, you will need time to grieve, honour your feelings and give yourself that year before staring a new relationship. Also think about the fact that your kids will also be grieving the loss of their non custodial parent. They will also need time to process their feelings. And they may go through that every time you end another relationship, just like you do. Don’t make them go through that again and again. Even an engagement is no guarantee a relationship is going to last! After all JLo and A-Rod were engaged for 2 years and together for 4. While the media focused on their breakup my mind was on their kids! How must it feel for them?

According to the Pew Research Center, about 40% of new marriages in the U.S. in 2013 included one spouse who had been married before and in 20% of new marriages both spouses had been married before.

That means many children endure ongoing changes to their family dynamics. The addition of a step-parent and possibly several step-siblings can be another big adjustment. And quite often both parents re-marry, which means many changes for kids.

verywellfamily

Despite what we say, most of us is we rarely think about how are actions will impact our children. I mean not really. We think we are doing what’s best for them but we rarely listen to them. Even in court children under 16 are rarely asked who their opinion about changing family dynamics or who they want to stay with. Just because they are young doesn’t always mean they do not have a valid opinion or know what is right for them. Don’t assume kids are too young to make certain decisions. After all, they are not too young to decide their gender, for instance. Is they is or is they ain’t? Old enough to have a choice that is.

When I was 9 my father and step mother got a divorce and I was happy for both of them. I had watched them make each other miserable for years. I really though it was an opportunity for both of them to be happy with someone else. My step mother was white (so was my mother, I was also happy when they divorced earlier) and even at that age I recognised that he would be happier with an African woman. And he was too. His last marriage to a woman from UmuAka lasted more than 20 years, she pre-deceased him by 4 years.

What Are the Effects of Divorce on Children?

Your decision to co-parent should be based on what is best for your children, not what is necessarily best for you. Your ex is probably grieving too, maybe in a different way and for a different thing, but most likely your ex is grieving too. Emotions between you are raw, resentment may be present, anger may be present, sometimes there maybe a narcissistic wound too. It can be difficult to get along.

Divorce can be a difficult time for a family. Not only are the parents realizing new ways of relating to each other, but they are learning new ways to parent their children. When parents divorce, the effects of divorce on children can vary. Some children react to divorce in a natural and understanding way, while other children may struggle with the transition.

Family Means

Don’t expect, demand or coerce your child about your divorce. If you have more than one they will all react differently. We know that Igbo saying that one mother births but not the same spirit creates. Pay attention to your children during your divorce. Notice what’s happening to each of them. Don’t tell Jumoke she should be more like her brother Andrew. Attend to each of their needs individually.

Children of divorce are more likely to experience poverty, educational failure, early and risky sexual activity, non-marital childbirth, earlier marriage, cohabitation, marital discord and divorce. In fact, emotional problems associated with divorce actually increase during young adulthood.

Encyclopaedia of Early Childhood Development

The conclusion I came away with after reading several scholarly articles about the effects of divorce on children is that socio-economic status is the biggest determinant of negative outcomes for children after a divorce. Poor families are more negatively impacted. They can’t afford the specialised care and interventions that would ease the process for both children and parents. They may not be able afford the for the children to spend equal time with both parents especially when the parents live at a significant distance apart such as in different towns or even different countries. Both of them may not be able to afford two stable homes for the children to go between. When either parent remarries they may incur additional economic pressures on the relationship that could affect the children. We all know at least one divorced single mother who works 14 hours a day to pay her children’s bills leaving her unable to do much actual parenting and supervision. Most of us probably also know a man who has custody of the children after a divorce and leaves them in the care of hired nannies that are unqualified to provide proper parenting or supervision.

Obviously for both Kim and JLo money is not a problem and will help ease their situation. But for parents that don’t have that kind of money putting their children’s needs first can still reduce the negative impact a divorce has on kids.

What Are Children’s Needs After A Divorce?

1. Stability – Children need certainty and stability to thrive. It’s this need for stability that should advise a parent not to jump too quickly into a new relationship before you know where it will lead. It’s not healthy for children to bond with a new father or mother figure every few months only to loose them again. Let the kids get used to the new situation first and be very considerate when introducing them to someone new.
2. A Relationship with Both Parents – It is a child’s right to have a relationship with both its parents, not a parents right to have a relationship with their child. There is a big difference.
3. Reassurance That They Are Loved – When either parent is absent a child can feel rejected too, and the impact on a developing child can be more negative than on either parent.
4. Security – Children need security to thrive. They need reliable and dependable adults to model their own future behaviour and development on. A child that grows up with high sense insecurity of insecurity will have trust issues, anxiety, depression, problems settling down and poor boundaries.
5. Support to understand and regulate their emotions. Divorce is emotional for everyone involved. Let the needs of the most vulnerable take priority. Don’t let ego make your needs more important. .

Whatever you do, always take the high road, like Kim does.

if you’re going through divorce or custody and need help or just more information you can book a confidential consultation with me here. Book a consultation for an answer to all your questions and peace of mind.